First Do Know Harm
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Everyone wears masks. Xander finds out that Harmony isn't at all what she seems when he saves her life one night and gets a peek behind it. Of course her death via vampire upon graduation really complicates matters.
1. Chapter 1

**First do Know Harm**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any TV series.**

Xander heard a muffled scream from behind the Bronze and froze for a second. The problem was that, that sort of noise could mean two things and there was no way of telling which was which from a distance. Xander bit back a groan. He really hated these situations – he'd either be saving someone's life or interrupting a very private moment. Either of which could get him killed.

He almost smiled when he caught a glimpse of the girl, if she was involved it was almost a sure bet that it wasn't anything he needed to interfere with. Then he saw the fear in her eyes and just how tight the man with her was gripping her.

"Try and hit the heart through the back or aim for the back of the neck?" Xander wondered aloud.

The figure holding Harmony froze.

"Did I say that out loud?" Xander asked.

Xander's question seemed to break the man from his daze as he released Harmony and then ran like the hounds of hell were after him.

"Was it something I said?" Xander asked dumbly just before a tearful Harmony threw herself on him.

Xander quickly wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. "It's ok, just avoid wandering off wandering off with strange men in the future and you'll be fine."

"But his clothes were in fashion!" Harmony cried.

"Being in fashion isn't always a sign that someone is safe to be around."

"It isn't?" Harmony asked. "My parents said it was!"

"What exactly did your parent's say?" Xander asked curiously.

"They said I had to be one of the popular kids and dress right so I'd always be surrounded by friends, and not to go off with any fashion disasters because the lack of fashion sense marked them as potential psychos," Harmony said seriously.

Xander continued rubbing her back. "Let's just say that the lack of fashion sense is a good indicator that they want to hurt you, but it's not one hundred percent accurate."

"How can I tell who to trust then?" she asked worriedly, burrowing into his arms like she wasn't ever planning on leaving them.

"There are several good indicators that go with the lack of fashion sense. If they are pale and have cold hands they're unsafe. Also look to see if they avoid mirrors and religious icons."

"So if I wore cross earrings and a crucifix I'd be safe?"

"You'd be safer and the fashion dead that are dangerous would avoid you. Just remember that some of the fashionable people, most of the people who dress retro in fact – are dangerous."

"Hello, hello... What have we here?" a leering British voice asked, as a man in black slacks and a leather jacket slinked out of the darkness.

"Quick, in fashion or out of fashion?" Xander asked quietly, pushing her behind him.

"In fashion, but only if he's gay. Cause that jacket is something that's in for girls and gay guys right now."

Xander sighed before stepping forward. "Which one of us is more attractive?"

"Wow, you don't ask the easy questions do you?" the man asked, as he scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Hey!" Harmony complained.

"Come on, he has the whole tall dark and handsome thing going on and he dresses like he worships Thomas Magnum."

"Tom Selleck is so Eighties!"

"The man's sweat could make a young boy's balls drop and his sister gain a cup size. Tom Selleck was a man's man! Unlike the girly pretty boy actors Hollywood is pushing on us these days. Leonardo DiCaprio? Please, do I look like I like boys that could be mistaken for underage girls...No! I want broad shoulders and some hair on the chest."

"I suppose you have a point there, he is hunky... isn't he?" Harmony admitted looking at Xander.

"And don't sell yourself short, no one is going to be passing you by without a third glance and a peak down your shirt!"

"He never peaks down my shirt!" Harmony complained. "I'd swear he was gay, but Larry says he isn't and he dates some very attractive women when he does date."

Xander groaned. "I have female friends and have been educated on how peeping is annoying..."

"That's a lie," Harmony and the stranger chorused.

"All women want you to take a peek while complaining that they don't. It lets them know they're attractive and worth risking their ire for a look," Harmony explained.

"Yeah, if you treat them like they ask, you get labeled as one of the girls," the man said ruefully. "It's one of those Catch 22's with women, so its best just to be damned and do."

"And the attraction to jerks?" Xander asked.

"Two part answer to that one," the man explained. "One; jerks are dominate and aggressive..."

"Which really revs up the female hormones," Harmony admitted.

"And two, being forced to chase after a guy makes them seem that much more valuable as you value things you have to work for more," he explained.

"I wish I'd had you two to explain these things to me years ago." Xander groaned. "It would have made things so much simpler."

The man nodded. "Well back to your original question – I'm going to have to say she edges you out in sex appeal, because she has more confidence in herself than you do."

Xander nodded. "Thanks, I was trying to figure out if you were a vampire, but truthfully, the fact that you haven't attacked us by now kinda covers that."

"Vampires aren't real," the man snorted. "Well, not any more I mean."

"Ah, I love when dinner delivers itself," a voice chuckled, as a vamp in full game face stepped out of the shadows figuring the shock would freeze them up so he could grab one without having to chase them down.

"Yeah, I hate going out for fast food," snickered a female vamp as she came up behind them, leaving them trapped between the two.

Xander slipped a large wooden cross to Harmony and turned to the male vamp with a large friendly smile. "Just the man I wanted to see."

"What?!" the vamp asked, lowering his guard as Xander placed a hand on his shoulder, taking advantage of his confusion, and slammed a stake in his heart – leaving Xander holding a leather jacket as the vamp dusted.

He quickly spun around at Harmony's scream, only to see the new guy get his neck snapped.

The vamp lunged at Harmony only to recoil as she presented the cross with such faith that it glowed brighter than the full moon above them.

The female vamp began to smolder in the light coming from the cross, seemingly paralyzed, before Xander staked it.

A groan from the side led them to the man they'd been talking to before they were jumped.

He lay there limply, his neck at a strange angle groaning a bit in pain. "I've never seen vampires like that before."

"You'll be ok, we'll get an ambulance," Xander promised doing his best to make the man comfortable without moving his neck.

"It's too late for that, I can't feel anything and it's all going dark. Give me a kiss before I die?" the man asked.

Xander barely hesitated before fulfilling the man's last request, the tongue was a bit of a surprise but since it was a last request Xander did his best to make it a memorable kiss.

The man stopped breathing after a moment, his movements became sluggish as Xander laid him down and closed his eyes.

"That was a great thing you did," Harmony said, patting him on the shoulder as he looked down on the fallen man. "... and it was also kinda hot."

"Harmony!" Xander groaned.

"What?! It was!" she protested.

"A man died here," Xander said solemnly. "Show some respect."

"He gave his life protecting someone else, I can't think of a surer way to get into Heaven," Harmony said firmly. "So I don't see a reason to mourn."

"What?" Xander asked dumbly.

"He died and went to the good place. Mourning over his corpse is like being sad because a homeless bum won the lottery – it makes no sense."

"I didn't even learn his name," Xander said sadly, trying to explain his view on the matter.

"It's Jack," the man said suddenly, sitting up and opening his eyes.

Xander blinked as his brain rebooted and considered panicking for a moment, before simply reaching out and placing two fingers on Jack's carotid artery.

"You're alive," Xander accused.

"Yes," Jack admitted.

"You were dying," Xander pointed out bluntly.

"Yes, I was dying... Then I died... Now I'm back," Jack replied.

"Does this happen a lot?" Harmony asked curiously, knowing that Xander was mixed up in some strange events and deciding not to panic as long as he wasn't.

"Far too often," Jack sighed.

"Are you going to explain that or just leave it at the cryptic?" Xander asked, brushing off his pants.

Jack climbed to his feet and straightened himself up. "It's kind of personal."

Xander nodded. "Fair enough."

"Can you teach me how you do that thing with your tongue?" Jack asked.

"It's kind of personal," Xander replied with a grin as Harmony made him put on the vamps leather jacket and generally fussed with him.

"Fine, I'll trade you my secret for your secret, as long as you promise to keep it a secret."

"Hey!" Harmony complained.

"I was including you in the secret," Jack promised.

"Good," Xander replied. "Because to learn the tongue thing will require a lot of kissing and you just ain't my type."

"Score!" Harmony cheered and drug the two guys off. "Did I mention my parents are away for the weekend and I have a hot tub?"

*** * ***

Xander awoke with a yawn and two bodies snuggled up to him. He froze for a second as he remembered Jack but cracking open his eyes he saw that Aphrodisia was on his left shoulder and Harmony was on his right – Jack was nowhere in sight.

"My head hurts," Xander muttered with a wince.

"That was probably from when you headbutted the Doctor," Harmony yawned.

"Doctor Who?" Xander asked but Harmony simply giggled.

"Could have been the screwdrivers," Aphrodisia said demonstrating the fact that she was awake as well, and all three felt similar from the low tones they were using.

"Sonic or vodka?" Harmony asked thoughtfully.

"Vodka, but Xander probably feels the way he does because of that mind meld thing the doctor did."

"He was a Vulcan?" Xander asked confused.

"Nah, just a telepath. I guess your memory is a little scrambled," Harmony said.

"Going to need a play by play I think," Xander said, but Harmony slapped him gently on the chest.

"I told you, no video taping. If you want to refresh your memories Aphrodisia and me are willing to do a repeat."

Xander snickered. "I meant what happened overall – though remembering how I lost my virginity would have been nice."

"You mean, you and Cordy never..." Aphrodisia trailed off.

"Nope, said she was waiting for marriage," Xander said.

"Huh. That's bull. I walked in on her and the quarterback last year," Harmony giggled.

"And that trip with the folks to Mexico? She had hickies on her inner thigh though she claimed nothing happened and someone must have slipped her a roofie."

"Well, damn..." Xander sighed, wondering why he didn't find Cordelia's lies more surprising.

The two girls hugged him tightly, immediately and visibly improving his mood.

"You're problem is that you bought into the whole 'true love and romance' crap," Aphrodisia told him. "Life just ain't like that."

"Yeah, the only bolt from the blue you can expect will be aimed at the libido. Lust at first sight is a given, but you have to know someone before you can love them," Harmony added.

"So you guys don't believe in true love, soul mates, love at first sight..."

"Nope," the two chorused.

Harmony sighed. "Unlike fairy tales, true love requires effort. You can't truly love someone until you know them, and their flaws and love them for them, not despite them."

Aphrodisia nodded "And none of that is possible in while in our teen years because of hormones and high lust levels. Best just to have friends and wait until mid to late twenties to marry."

"Friends, I can deal with that... Will you two be my friends?" Xander asked.

The two girls giggled.

"If you'd asked us that in kindergarten your life would have been so much better," Harmony said, kissing him on the cheek.

Aphrodisia followed suit. "Yeah, but we'll have to act casual in public. My dad doesn't think I'm old enough to date yet."

As the three laughed Xander noticed something. "Are you sure we didn't tape anything?"

"Not positive, but mildly," Harmony replied. "Why?"

"Cause I see a video camera over there with the light on."

Harmony sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Huh, I guess we did. I wonder what all we taped?"

"Shower, food then watch," Aphrodisia suggested, climbing to her feet.

"Seconded," Xander said stretching.

"There's still some room on the tape," Harmony pointed out.

"And?" Aphrodisia asked archly.

"Well, if we recorded everything else we might as well record the three of us in the shower?"

"Three?" Xander asked hopefully, his brain still a bit fuzzy.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and me for the typos! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Do Know Harm – Chapter 2**

The three watched the tape on the TV in Harmony's bedroom, which showed an increasingly breathless Harmony making out with Xander and Jack as they discussed techniques and gave instructions while sitting on her bed.

Aphrodesia turned to Harmony. "You had those two to yourself and you didn't call me?"

Harmony grinned. "Didn't have near enough time and you were having dinner with your grandparents."

Aphrodesia sighed. "Good point."

Harmony grinned and turned up the volume.

**Tape-Tape-Tape**

"It's almost the same, I'm not sure if there really is a difference now," Harmony said with a glazed look in her eyes, her nipples practically cutting through her bra, which was quite visible because all three of them had discarded their shirts earlier in the tape.

"One more kiss just to check?" Jack asked Xander.

Xander opened his mouth and even on the tape you could tell he was going to refuse, and from the half grin that was already forming you could tell Xander had been holding back this zinger all night and he thought it was a good one.

"I know guys don't do it for you," Jack quickly added. "But this is just for techniques, not any sexual gratification, even if I do like guys and find you very attractive," he swore.

Xander was wavering, you could see it in his eyes. He didn't like guys, but Jack was pretty open about his lechery and had complimented him, not to mention the effect it had on Harmony was definitely of the good.

Harmony reached behind her and unsnapped her bra. "Kiss him and the bra comes off," she promised.

Xander and Jack gained matching lecherous grins before Jack moved forward and kissed him with an enthusiasm that he matched, motivated by Harmony's breasts.

It was at that point that Harmony tackled the two off her bed and out of camera range.

**Tape-Tape-Tape**

"Awww..." Xander moaned sadly.

"Whats wrong?" Harmony asked.

"I didn't get to see your breasts," he replied with a pout.

Harmony and Aphrodesia, both still topless, giggled.

"You do, I promise. Now watch!" she ordered.

"And there goes my bra," Harmony said, as a bra sailed through the scene.

"There goes my pants," Xander noted as his jeans made a brief appearance.

"Those would be Jack's then," Aphrodesia commented.

"Uh...." Xander voiced. "Did I?" his voice trailed off.

Harmony rubbed her naked breasts against his arm. "Relax, it wasn't gay. Your balls weren't touching."

Aphrodesia got impatient and hit fast forward so the action would speed up since the occasional flash of hair, hand, and foot above the edge of the bed bored her.

Eventually the three made it back onto the bed and into frame.

"See, you're doing a whole lot more than just seeing my breasts there," Harmony pointed out.

Xander's smile grew.

Aphrodesia's eyes grew as they switched position. "Boldly going where no man has gone before," she quoted.

"I know I said I would never do that, but the two were very convincing!" Harmony exclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure our balls are touching there," Xander pointed out. "Though no way in hell is that gay."

"Lazy girl, lying down on the job," Aphrodesia teased.

"No, that comes later," Harmony fired back with a grin.

Xander vanished off screen and the two on screen waited for him before continuing.

At Aphrodesia's questioning look, Harmony answered, "Xander wanted to clean things up a bit, he's thoughtful like that."

"That or you'd refuse to do that before he cleaned it," Aphrodesia grinned, pointing at the screen.

"Oh, it was just Xander being Xander," Harmony assured her. "Between the two I found my resistance to anything gone."

They watched the tape until it hit the end a moment later.

Xander blinked and turned to Harmony. "Was Jack giving instructions the whole time?"

Harmony nodded. "Yeah, to both of us. If sex was a sport, I'm pretty sure he'd be an Olympic Trainer."

"Was I…" Xander wondered how to put it.

Harmony grinned. "He'd be a trainer, but you'd be on the team. He has the skill, but you have the stamina and learn quickly. After all, he was 'shagged out' as he put it, after a couple of hours; you were up for me and Aphrodesia for another couple of hours."

"He'd have been up for it too if he'd seen you two together," Xander promised.

"You say the sweetest things," Aprhodisia said, stealing a kiss.

Xander blinked as a scene flashed in his head. "I headbutted The Doctor?"

"Aphrodesia kisses you and you regain some of your memory?"

"Apparently," Xander grinned.

Aphrodesia breathed on her nails then polished them on her chest. "I'm just cool like that," she said, but broke up laughing a moment later.

Harmony pulled Xander's head down and kissed him breathless. "Anything?"

"I remember how to tie a Windsor Knot and how to diagnose appendicitis," Xander replied. They both looked at him. Xander explained, "When me and Willow played Doctor as kids it involved medical books not nudity. I never had the heart to correct her."

"You poor baby," Aphrodesia said sympathetically and pulled his head down to her naked chest.

"I just remembered the entire year of Freshman Spanish. I can't believe I ever missed a question in that class," Xander said absently, quite enjoying his new position.

Harmony's eyes widened. "Nurse Aphrodesia, I just realized the cure for his amnesia! The Doctor gave him a shot that he said would take about six hours to kick in, saying something complicated about happiness and memory."

"So, what do we do?" Aphrodesia asked.

Harmony grinned. "We fuck his brains in! Come on, Xander, we're going to play doctor!"

Three hours and a near replay of what was recorded on another video tape that they hadn't noticed later...

The three relaxed in the hot tub with pleased grins on their faces.

"So, you remember everything now?" Harmony asked.

"I not only remember everything that happened, I recall a past life as a soldier and who shot JFK," Xander grinned, making the girls laugh.

**AN: Thank godogma for the typing and dogbertcarroll for the typos!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Do Know Harm Chapter 3**

"My head is killing me!" The Doctor complained. "The last time I felt this bad I spontaneously regenerated."

"Maybe this will teach you to go poking in strange blonde's heads without permission then." Rose snorted, making the Doctor wince.

"What hit me?" he asked, ignoring Rose's shrill voice for the moment.

"Xander did." Jack smirked.

"Xander?"

"It's short for Alexander, the protector of man," Jack explained.

"I think protector of woman fits it better." The Doctor groaned. "Come to think of it, I know at least three languages where Xander translates that way. Why exactly did the protector of woman attack me anyway?"

"You tried to scan his friend's mind without permission," Rose said flatly.

"Me? That doesn't sound like the sort of thing I'd do," The Doctor replied, shocked.

Rose leaned forward and hit a couple of switches, making a rather large viewscreen appear on the wall.

"You have a viewer on the Tardis?" Jack asked surprised. "Does it get sports? 'Cause the mixed doubles kama sutra competition was just heating up when I left my time."

Rose rolled her eyes and flipped a switch.

*** * ***

Xander, Jack and Harmony made their way into the library amidst much laughter as Jack recounted some of his adventures with the Doctor. "And the Doctor turned to her and said, 'I said Time Lord but I'm pretty sure it's going for about three creds a gram right now.'"

Xander and Harmony broke up into gales of laughter, not noticing Giles and Jana who had been in the middle of a scorching kiss.

"Xander..." Giles said with a hint of Ripper poking out from his British Librarian facade.

"Why hello..." Jack said with a grin as his eyes rolled up and down both Giles and Jana's form.

"Not now, Jack," Harmony said, relishing the chance to say one of her favorite lines.

Jack blinked in surprise then grinned remembering what Harmony had told him earlier about his world.

"Lost dimensional traveler, needs to call for a ride home," Xander explained quickly, happy to see that Giles and Ms. Calendar had made up.

"I'm going to need a bit more than that," Giles said, suddenly all business as he stepped forward to talk to Xander.

Jana chuckled, not all that upset at the interruption as she hadn't planned on seducing Giles that night (Though he'd come damn close to seducing her), while she still had a lot of work to do on the ensouling spell.

"He's from a reality so far away from ours that the only contact between them is generally in dreams. His friend uses science so advanced it might as well be magic, and they were travelling outside of their reality when something went wrong and he was chucked out here."

"And what does he need from us?" Giles asked cautiously.

"Nothing," Xander replied easily. "He just needs to send out a signal through a dimensional weak point so his friend can come pick him up."

"A ritual or something similar?" Giles asked suspiciously.

"None, no magic whatsoever," Xander swore.

"That's simple enough then," Giles allowed, happy that he wouldn't have to deal with another plot to open the hellmouth.

The two turned towards the others to find the three discussing something in great detail, with Jack quite a few hand gestures as Jenny scribbled down notes.

Jack broke off from the two and smiled cheerfully at Giles. "So, where is the dimensional weak point? All I need to do is get within a quarter of a kilometer of it and I can signal for The Doc to pick me up."

"Really?" Giles asked, feeling much better about things, as any attempt to open the hellmouth required standing almost directly over it. "You're in range now then."

Jack pulled a pen shaped device out of his pocket.

"Is that …?" Harmony trailed off, wide eyed.

"No, the Doc makes those himself, so he really hates lending them out. This is my creation, a sonic pen! It has almost all of the commonly used features from the sonic screwdriver and a few that it doesn't, as well as a security feature that shocks anyone who tries to use it who's not keyed in," Jack said proudly. "Plus it annoys the hell out of him that it's just as useful in most situations."

Everyone looked closely at the device in his hand and with the exception of the tiny drops of blue light that you could see running along the surface, if you looked close enough, it looked like a normal pen.

"How do you work it?" Xander asked curiously.

"Click it like a normal pen, all the rest is done with a telepathic interface so you don't even need bioware to use it. The Doc's screwdriver is far too advanced to contain a system smaller than a car that would allow it to work the same way; it has way too many functions, and about the only way that this beats his work, much to his annoyance."

Harmony and Xander grinned, knowing he'd used that fact to bug The Doctor when he was getting too serious.

Jack clicked the sonic pen and it pulsed yellow for a moment before switching back to its normal, unnoticeable, blue light setting.

"Done! Rose and The Doc should appear here with the Tardis and I'll be gone before you can say … something really long," Jack said cheerfully, not knowing any expression they would recognize.

"The Doctor?!" Giles half shouted, half yelped – suddenly putting things together, shortly before the sound of somebody doing serious damage to their transmission came from midair and an old fashioned blue British police box appeared.

Jenny watched as the box opened, giving her a glimpse of a much larger interior than was physically possible, as a blonde woman and a dark haired man exited.

Xander, Jack, and Giles circled the booth, just in time to see the two exit it.

"Jack?!" The Doctor called out, just before getting blindsided by a big hug and a kiss from Jack.

The Doctor rolled his eyes after Jack was done. "We're not that close, Jack," he said drolly, but with a degree of amusement in his eyes.

"True, but if I'd have done that to Rose you'd have gotten upset with me," Jack said pouting.

Rose gave the Doctor a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for taking the bullet for me," she teased. The Doctor blushed a little, despite his best efforts to suppress it while Jack hugged Rose.

"Pardon me," Giles said politely, being a fan of Doctor Who and knowing what he was capable of, which gave him hope that the Doctor could help him. "I was wondering if you could close the dimensional rift we're sitting on top of."

"Rift?" The Doctor asked, whipping out a sonic screwdriver and fiddling with it while he homed in on the center of the library under which the hellmouth resided.

"It is what we call a hellmouth." Giles explained. "We have several and none of them lead anywhere you'd want to go. In fact, the visitors that come through them consider humans a combination of chew toy and food supply."

The Doctor nodded as he muttered something about dimensional sheer and output power before sighing. "I wish I could help, but we'd need at least three Time Lords to close this right and I'm afraid I'm the last one."

"You could grab the Master and your daughter Jenny," Harmony suggested, causing the Doctor to almost drop his sonic screwdriver, as he whirled around and advanced on Harmony, his eyes warring between anger and hope.

"What do you know?" The Doctor demanded, causing Xander to step protectively toward Harmony, who looked unconcerned.

"I have no daughter and the Master is dead," The Doctor said flatly, searching for a trace of hope in Harmony's eyes that he was wrong.

"The Time Lords artificially limited their regenerations to twelve," Harmony explained. "Do you really believe the Master wouldn't illegally undo their work?"

"And my daughter?" he asked intently.

"I don't remember most of the details; I was a bit distracted at the time," Harmony admitted.

"The mind stores more than you can consciously recall, and I can read it from you if you'll allow me," he blurted out quickly, already reaching for her head when he heard her agree mentally.

Unfortunately, he didn't wait for her to agree out loud, so it looked to everyone else as if he weren't going to take no for an answer.

Xander, not knowing anything of the Doctor's character, assumed the worst and jumped between them, which unfortunately brought their foreheads together with a crack that echoed through the room and made everyone wince.

Yes, Xander Harris, the guy whose mind was so open to possession that he had them sign the guest register, head butted a powerful telepath with his shields open and probe out.

The two dropped to the ground as if they'd been switched off. "Doctor!" "Xander!" two blondes exclaimed worriedly.

Everyone gathered around the downed figures and finding them alive began trying to rouse them.

Xander woke first, being much more used to getting his grey matter scrambled, which gave him some additional resilience. "Oww... What hit me?" he asked, as he shook off the people helping him stand.

"Quiet you blithering buffoon!" The Doctor growled out.

"Why?" Xander asked, before laughing at nothing.

"Because I'm cogitating."

"That sounds painful, probably caused by too much cheese in the diet. I think they have pills for that now."

"Quiet you fool," The Doctor snapped. "My mind is awhirl with blazing nodes of transient thought, awash in a sea of theoretical probabilities."

"That happened to me once," Xander said brightly. "But once they unscrambled the Playboy channel my headache went away. Narf!"

The Doctor just stared at Xander, temporarily at a loss, when a crackling blue electrical blast caught him in the side, knocking him out.

***THUD***

"He shoulda had a V8," Xander said thoughtfully. "Because although the V6 uses less gas it has a really hard time getting over sand dunes."

***THUD***

Everyone turned to Jack who put away his sonic pen. "I like my sanity where it is thanks. Now unless I miss my guess, Xander managed to intercept the Doctor in mid probe – something every bit as painful as it sounds and it has kinda scrambled their brains together."

"That sounds extremely bad," Giles said worriedly as the two blondes cradled their respective men.

"And normally it would be, requiring all the kings horses and men the better part of a decade to unscramble them, however, thankfully, the medkit on the Tardis is just a bit more advanced than anything on Earth at this point. So … long story short, we need alcohol and lots of it," Jack finished, much to everyone's confusion.

"A little more detail, please," Giles suggested.

"Rather than force them to deal with the confusion of having active imprints of each other running alongside their own personalities, we get them so drunk they can't remember who they are and hit them with a neural enhancer that targets long time memory storage."

"Drown the impression in alcohol and toss his brain a life saver?" Jana asked, wondering if she got it right.

"Exactly," Jack agreed rolling his eyes at the chorus of Oh!s as everyone understood Jana's explanation better than his.

*** * ***

The viewer was quickly clicked off by the Doctor. "From your grins I'm guessing I don't want to see the rest of it, and since I can't remember there are only three neural enhancers that fit the symptoms. One of which is deadly to humans, so I'm guessing either Kooligan based plant extract or that X-something chemical, since you probably dosed us both at once."

"It was chemical X," Rose confirmed with a grin. She always enjoyed seeing The Doctor solve puzzles.

"The humans on Debion 9 developed that to open the third eye," The Doctor chuckled. "They were so disappointed when they realized it wasn't creating psychics, just reminding people where they left their car keys."

"Not to mention thinking it created telepaths, only to find the reason they did so well at cards was they had an easier time remembering the other players' tells." Jack snickered.

"I seem to recall it requiring a certain level of endorphins," The Doctor said while Jack smirked.

"But then as I'm not human..." The Doctor trailed off at Jack's look of disappointment. "I'll have to do something fun that I rarely ever do."

Rose and Jack both perked up at that.

"We'll have to pack our own food supplies, unless you have a thing for Indian food, but other than turning Jack into a girl we're good to go," The Doctor said with a grin.

"Indian food?" Rose asked curiously. "Where are we going?"

"Turn me into a girl?" Jack muttered, confused.

"We're going to visit Time's Child. He's a bit of a slob and eats nothing but Indian food for some reason, but he's a load of fun," The Doctor said enthusiastically.

"Turn me into a girl?" Jack asked a little louder.

"He's human too. The last one in his timeline in fact, and the strangest events always take place around him – and I mean strange even for me. His companions make you two look normal." The Doctor smirked.

"Excuse me, can we get back to the part where I'm required to be female?" Jack asked nervously.

"Sounds like loads of fun." Rose grinned while Jack was beginning to panic.

"Oh yeah," The Doctor agreed happily as he shifted the Tardis to look for an eddy in the timestream.

**AN: Everyone thank godogma for typing this out for me!**


End file.
